I know I’m not alone when I say that the weather this winter has driven me to the edge and left me agitated and feeling helpless. So I started wondering; wouldn’t it be totally cool if there were a direct line to the infamous Mother Nature? Or would it?
1-800-MOTHER-N
“Hello, you’ve reached the corporate offices of Mother Nature; weather is our business. I am currently busy screwing up someone’s outdoor activities and/or challenging someone’s survival skills; however, your call is important to me. For English, please press 1. Para español, presione dos.”
WHAT!?!? Now I completely understand why the weather is so screwed up; she works for the government.
“If you are calling to inquire about current weather conditions, please press 1. If you’re more interested in future conditions, press 2. If you’d like to file a complaint I really want to hear from you, please press 3 immediately. For all other inquiries; keep trying.”
I can see myself adamantly jamming the #3 button on my phone over and over. Muttering, “YEEESSSSS, I HAVE A COMPLAINT! UHHH UH, BIG COMPLAINT !!”
“You’ve reached the Mother Nature Complaint line. If you’re calling to bitch about the lack of sunshine try #1. If your ailment is a lack of snow (Yawn) press #2. If you have an issue with any of the following natural disasters; hurricane, tornado, typhoon or earthquake press #3. If drought is your chief topic of concern, try #4. All others, (chuckle) you’re out of luck.”
#2, #2, #2, #2, #2
“Please state your name, city and state followed by your complaint at the tone.”
What a release it would be to then unleash into the receiver. “This is Monica Magnusson from Cheboygan, Michigan. It is December and we’ve not seen one flake of snow; not ONE. I have a large kennel of sled dogs; that’s “SLED” dogs as in they must have snow to pull a sled … those kind of DOGS! I have been training them since August on an ATV. My ars hurts and my sciatic nerve is making me crazy. I should be looking out my window to a beautiful white trail of snow, but instead I see grass and its 40 degrees. I have invested months and months into this dog team and there is no snow for the first race; just ice. I don’t know what ever happened to you or whoever pissed you off, but you need to quit POURING all your grief out on us snow lovers. I am sick and tired of you RAINING on my life’s passion. Please quit SHOWERING us with all your doom and glom.
BEEP …… thank you for calling the Mother Nature complaint line. Your request for POURING – RAIN- and GLOOMY SHOWERS has been registered and will receive immediate attention; have a great day!” BEEP
Yeah, well I must have had a direct line the other day as she majorly screwed up. We arrived in Alpine and there was barely any snow; more like hard ice. However, like a miracle from the heavens the next day it started falling and we accumulated 1 ½ feet of snow. The forecasts were calling for snow for the next 5 days and a total accumulation of 2 feet or more. Saweeeeet!! Mother Nature was alright in my book, but it didn’t last long. By the next morning, it was raining a very fine mist. We had to run dogs and so we headed to the trail head. Remaining optimistic we assured ourselves the rain would cease. To our delight it switched back to snow and we proceeded on with training. Then like a switch it changed to sleet and then to pouring rain. One and half feet of snow saturated in rain is very wet to put it mildly. We could barely see as we finished the training run. We soon discovered that the parking lot was a wet sheet of ice when the dogs pulled the hook out of the mashed potatoes and Bruce and sled went careening on their sides all the way through the slush to the truck. Fun for me; not so much for him. 
After two runs in this crap, all of us, dogs included, were drenched to the core. My parka was soaked all the way through and the fur ruff literally looked like someone strapped a wet Pomeranian to my neck. Not to mention it smelled like hell; wet dead animal is just not a good thing. My gloves were so wet I could literally wring them out and a lovely brown juice would pour out; imagine that smell. My hair was a dripping ponytail. I had on a ball cap with a headband to keep my ears warm and if I pressed on them they would also drip. My snow pants were soaked through; yes, I just love the feeling of wet long underwear pasted to my legs. It’s about as bad as putting on pantyhose on a hot day. We all got in the truck and were assaulted with our funk. I found myself becoming increasingly irritated with the whole wet mess. I needed to make another phone call to the Queen party killer.
1-800-MOTHER-N
“Hello, you’ve reached the corporate offices of Mother Nature; weather is our business…
#3, #3, #3, #3, #3 …………………………#2, #2, #2, #2, #2
“Please state your name, city and state followed by your complaint at the tone.”
Monica Magnusson, Cheboygan, Michigan. Obviously, you didn’t understand my last message. We need SNOW, SNOW, SNOW, SNOW; not rain. The rain is making everything a WET, SOGGY mess ! Please quit MIXING this up; we have a race to prepare for.
BEEP …… thank you for calling the Mother Nature complaint line. Your request for WET, SNOW, RAIN MIX has been registered and will receive immediate attention; have a great day!” BEEP
She, once again, didn’t miss a beat. Day two we watched the weather change every 15 minutes. Just when we thought we were in the snow zone, it would change to sleet/rain. The parking lots had become small lakes and we struggled to find high ground to drop dogs. We drove looking for good parking only to find 6” of slush or water everywhere.
This weather brought on a whole new set of issues we were not prepared to deal with since mushing was not intended to be conducted in the rain. It is a cold weather sport that requires snow. This year I only brought three coats thinking I didn’t need all the others that I usually bring; mistake. So I have a heavy bubble coat, a mid-weight bubble coat and a fur parka. None of which are ideal for rain. It was so wet I literally had to switch coats every time I went out to drop dogs. If you do the math, 5-6 dog drops a day would mean I was short 2-3 coats. By the end of the day, this meant soggy, stinky options for outerwear…… Monica not happy.
I brought two pairs of boots; my Lobbens and my King boots. I didn’t even bother with the Lobbens as the water in the parking lot was literally 4 inches deep and they are not waterproof. The King boots, on the other hand, are like wearing a pair of KISS boots with 4” platforms and they are great for deep water. However, they’re a wee bit warm for rain and temps in the high 30’s. So I had rock star stature with my bad ass boots, but the rest of me was a soggy, stinky, sweaty mess.
At some point we realized that every coat we own, most of the gloves and hats, some boots and all our snow pants were soaking wet and we were in a motel room with no dryer. So we did what anyone would do in our situation; we draped wet clothing on anything and everything that would hold something. There were wet jackets dripping from the corners of doors; hanging off the shower rod, on the lamps, on the kitchen table anywhere you could imagine. Then we threw three buckets of meat in the shower to thaw, turned the heat up HIGH and let things bake.
This created a sauna like effect in our room and not the good type of sauna. It was every Finlander’s nightmare; no cold beer, no sausage dripping over the hot coals and the grossest funkiest smell you could ever imagine. The funky steam was dripping down the windows and beads of ooog were collecting on the bathroom ceiling. While we were basting in the funk; it wasn’t so bad. I could actually breathe since there was humidity in the normally dry air. However, at several points we had to leave the room and then re-enter. HOLY BANANAS, it took everything to keep from hurling.
The humans weren’t the only ones suffering. The poor dogs were soaked to the bone and every time they came out they got wetter. They had to eat in the rain and do their business in the rain standing in pools of who knows what. Then they had to go back in their boxes soaking wet and all their bedding would get wet. We changed the bedding more in the past 4 days then I normally would for two weeks.
I was at my wits end with the rain. I needed to make a phone call.
1-800-MOTHER-N
“Hello, you’ve reached the corporate offices of Mother Nature; weather is our business….
#3, #3, #3, #3, #3 …………………………#2, #2, #2, #2, #2
“Please state your name, city and state followed by your complaint at the tone.”
Me again. Monica Magnusson from Cheboygan, Michigan. Listen lady, I am a northern chick. I grew up in the mid-west and spent my childhood in northern Michigan. I am from Finnish stock. It was snowing the day I was born and that was in March mind you. I like wind burn and not sun burn. I don’t mind not being able to feel my fingers and toes. I love when it’s so cold it hurts to breathe or when your nostrils stick together or your eyelids feel like they are moving slow. I love the cold. I hate the heat and the rain. I am begging you to please bring SNOW, SNOW, SNOW and COLD weather. It is not VISIBLE that you took my complaint seriously and are just sucking the WIND from our sails. SNOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
BEEP …… thank you for calling the Mother Nature complaint line. Your request for SNOW, COLD TEMPS WITH LOW VISIBILITY AND HIGH WIND has been registered and will receive immediate attention; have a great day!” BEEP
We woke to at least another 8” of white fluffy stuff. It was a wet snow, but snow 
nonetheless. We headed to the trailhead. The roadway was slush becoming slick in the colder temps and the snow was coming down rapidly. Highway signs indicated there was high wind danger and to drive cautiously. I chuckled at how Ms. Nature had delivered. We crawled along and got to the site safely, which was buried in a fresh foot of snow. We were the first ones to the trail head and picked a nice parking spot. We got hooked up, switched to dry coats and took off in the fluff. Visibility stunk and you couldn’t even see the trail if not for some fluorescent orange trail markers sticking up along the way. It was a blinding white blur with snow falling rapidly. I wondered if I had pissed off Ms. Nature and she was trying to take me out by having me drive off a blind cliff. I proceeded cautiously. When we got back to the parking lot I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was full to the brim with people and snowmobiles and trucks and trailers. We could barely weave our way with the teams back to the truck only to discover that a few morons had completely blocked us in. They were parked so tight you could barely open the dog doors on one side. It was unreal. Snow had fallen and all the snow ants had come out of the woodwork.
The chaos in that parking lot was like none I had ever seen. It was like watching hungry wolves descend on a dead carcass. Since we had absolutely no way of leaving to seek less populated pastures, we chose to run the 2nd teams. On the bright side we got a lot of passing practice; head on passing, people passing, dog team passing; snowmobile passing; trak machine passing; skier passing; crazy, pet dog passing and even beer drinker passing! We are now 100% confident that our leaders will weave through rush hour traffic past bars and past the neighborhood dogs without blinking an eyelash.
I’ve decided that 1-800-MOTHER-N is probably a worthless idea. I have vowed to never even think of calling her again!
Surprisingly …. today was in the mid-twenties and it was sunny! The weather was perfect, trails were rocking and we had an absolute great day running dogs!
