What Not To Wear: The Mushing Episode

 I’m on day two cooped up in a dark little motel room and I’ve started to reach the limits of my mental creativity. The endless miles of driving and sitting around has started to wear on me. I find myself starting to think about things that would normally never cross my mind. For example, how does a person survive solitary confinement when I am barely handling motel confinement? I’m convinced I would not survive solitary confinement; I would definitely lose my marbles. Not all at once, but rather one at a time. Get the white coat she’s on her way out!

I’ve watched the t.v. show, “What Not To Wear” on TLC too many times to mention in the past two days and wonder what they would think of me in my dog gear. Certainly, they would pull up with a dumpster wearing hazmat outfits. Wouldn’t that be a show! Clearly, most viewers would be disgusted, but mushers would share in the hilarity and reality of it all. This led me to thinking of producing an episode….remember I have nothing else to do!

It would start showing my life traveling with 20 dogs. You would see me start out clean and smelling pretty and then it would quickly change as it so often does. For example, this year cleanliness ended before we ever got on the highway. We hauled all the dogs to work on the Tuesday before we left and had to drop dogs during the day while we were wrapping up work. At one point in the afternoon, I came back to my office and was sitting at my desk when that familiar odor started wafting around the room. Immediate instinct; check the boots. Ooops, a little post processed Caribou Creek! I laughed and announced to the office that I had a little poo on my boots and warned them that my office stunk! I hoped that the stink would deter them from bringing me anymore work to deal with! Well, our office is quite accustomed to the dog thing with puppies on a regular basis and so they came anyway armed with deodorizer. Meanwhile, I’m out front doing what appeared as the twist in the snow trying to get the offensive odor off my boots while they watched laughing in semi-horror. I told them this would be the best I smelled for the next two weeks. Now, that is a ratings hit!

The episode would have to include the dogs using my shoulder, face, head and whatever as a stepping stool to get in those top boxes. You know after they’ve pranced around in the river of urine flowing all around the truck. Oh yeah, were not talking Herbal Essence; we’re talking Musher’s Essence! All natural with a sharp, bite to wake you up! We’d have to, of course, have at least one dog pee on the camera guy. Shoot, what’s a trip without being peed on at least once? Sure, my black ski pants look like a tree, have at it puppy dog. We would show various shots of the truck where the volumes of pee has frozen into peecicles on the truck. Pretty yellow spikes. Oh, and a few shots of the turds that had to be scrapped off the running boards because Spot has a problem pooping on the ground. Why does he not like to poop on the ground? Who knows, same reason he likes to pee on mushers maybe?

Then we would get to the part of the show where they look at our outfits and then toss them in the trash. I would come out in my flannel lined jeans, which are, of course, a size too big because its easier to work and bend in them, but I look like I have a load in my drawers. They would zoom in on the thighs of these pants that are stained with who knows what. I would definitely wear my bubble jacket.; the good one of course! They would have a field day with the stained, greasy film in various dark shades especially around the front and cuffs. Surely, they would point out where I had wiped zinc oxide on the back to clean my hands off and, of course, the greasy fat stains everywhere. It’s inevitable that during filming some feathers would drift out of the holes not yet large enough for duct tape! Then I would try to explain that this coat is in really good shape because it doesn‘t have duct tape. I can hear the comments now. On second thought, maybe I would render them speechless.

We’d wrap up this portion of the episode with a few of the less obvious, but more compelling aspects of the outfit. The crispy, stinky, greasy and dog hair covered gloves to which I willingly stick my hands in until I just can’t take it anymore!! Then, of course, we’d have to show the bright RED Lobben boots; known and loved only by musher types. They will have a difficult time imagining that any person would go out in public proudly wearing a bright red pair of elf boots. The topper to the episode would be the endless supply of stinky, fur covered polar fleece tops! Can you say, P.U.!!

The unfortunate part of producing this episode, and undeniably the reason it would never be aired, is that they would be unable to re-outfit me in anything more suitable for this doggy adventure.

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