Episode: Resorting to a Life of Cheating
This crew has had a taste of the dark side and we can’t seem to pull away. Unfortunately, the first two stages of this race have found us sliding quickly backwards to a life of crime. Our altercation with the forest service got the adrenaline pumping, but it was the disappointing results of stage one and two that set the wheels in motion. We are now going to add cheating to our resume. After doing this for eleven years, we are done with playing fair. We are going for broke this time and we’re going to compete like the criminals that we are. The Streepers with their impressive outfit, need to be on high alert and I’m recommending they go into complete lock down. The Mag Four are on the loose and they have reinforcements. Yes, there are plenty of criminal minds amongst us.
The word on the street is that you can’t beat the Streepers doing it their way and you must be ready to seize any moment of opportunity. Well, we haven’t been doing it their way and we’re STILL not wearing any yellow bib yet. As far as the moments of opportunity; there hasn’t been any. Buddy must have the biggest rabbit foot you’ve ever seen because he somehow manages to avoid the moose holes, the alligators, the dog flu, the open cattle guards, freak injuries etc. How can anyone have so much luck? What big guy/gal upstairs is he praying to? These are all questions the rest of us keep asking and we just keep coming up with nothing. So when your back is up against the wall, what does one do? You resort to cheating.
Our criminal minds have devised several methods to create opportunities for the rest of us to seize. That’s right; you read it here first. We are going to sabotage the competition. We have no choice. It’s the only way and, in our minds, the right thing to do for the rest of us schmucks! We must have that yellow bib come hell or high water.
First plan of action is to use our resource; the Candy Man a.k.a. Pakwa Peaceful and Al Borak. The Candy Man will be sure to lure Bud and Alex with some of the candy that he carries on the trail. Unbeknownst to them, that candy will really be laxatives. Laxatives so powerful they had better have well behaved teams that will sit and wait for them while they wipe their hineys in the bushes (with their gloves tee hee). Hopefully, while they are bare assed in the woods the Minnesota Mangler from the Anderson Three will come by and accidently kick their snow hooks releasing the beasts. However, knowing our luck those dogs will just stand there waiting patiently.
Should that be the case, we have a Plan B for another stage. Pakwa Peaceful being the ultimate team player is going to play a role in this one as well. He is going to use his full arsenal of inexperienced yearlings to create the biggest tangle you’ve ever seen with, of course, Bud and Alex’s team. We know just the friendly social yearling leaders to do it too. We need at least 45 minutes so as Pakwa is in the midst of untangling he’ll be sure to unhook several tugs and necklines that aren’t his. Bye bye leaders! Damn, that probably won’t work either because their dogs all free drop; so again, they’ll probably just stand there. The scary part is that this could really happen, but most likely it will be with our two teams. Oh hell, let’s scratch that one!
We are prepared and we have a Plan C; the ole tainted meat snacks on the trail. We’ve corrupted the Bonnie & Clyde of Lander from the Bath Duo to join us on this one since they have access to all sorts of meats. Oil Queen Sandy will doctor up some concoction to lace the meat with that will cause poor performance. Jerry will do the snacking just as the Streeper teams are rolling by. Yum, yum, night, night!! Seriously, do you think they’ve trained them to just leave whatever is on the trail too?
Feeling doubtful are you? Don’t worry, we have a Plan D. We’ll take this off the trail. We’ve already placed phone calls to all the local McDonalds along the race route. They will have special burgers just for the Streepers. We’re calling it the McStreeper burger. It will have a green racing stripe right down the middle. They’ll be flattered until they eat it. Bite one will bring on the worst stomach convulsions they’ve ever felt for at least 24 hours. Hee Heee hello Mr. Commode! You know, we’ll probably find out Bud and Alex are vegans and only Terry will succumb with the stomach flu.
Crap, this means a Plan E is necessary. We hate to do this, but we are dragging the little kids into this. All of the school kids that show up will be given “sleepy snacks” to give to the dogs. How can anyone say no to a sweet innocent kid that just wants to give your dog a little biscuit. Those pooches will chomp up the biscuits and when they go to pull their teams out of the boxes it will be like unloading 50 lb noodles. Something tells me Terry can turn down a sweet innocent kid; he’ll probably bribe them with a mini-Canadian flag as a souvenir. Then all the little rug rats will be walking around waving their Streeper flags to our dismay. Dang, that’s a massive backfire.
Ok, we are on Plan F now. This is where we tap into our technological resources. Dylan the Villain will hack into the Eukanuba email account and send an email that directs them to a new race start location an hour away. They are always arriving just in the nick of time and this will certainly cause a delayed start. On second thought, they will probably email every official they know and confirm that it was a fake.
The G-I plans are seriously hard core. They involve dark clothes, face masks and gloves. This will give Bruiser Magnusson a slimming effect and no one will ever suspect him. We are talking slicing tires, swapping wax with some grip wax, messing with their engine and somehow reprogramming their GPS to read only kilometers. Wait, they’re Canadians so they work in kilometers, but they speak miles? Dang, skip that one. Tires are a sure thing unless their rig has an alarm system that goes off from tire tampering. Then, of course, the wax is probably carried in a metal bullet and explosive proof suitcase.
You know it might be possible that we can’t pull this off. Possibly, we’re not as good of criminals as we thought. This team seems to have some sort of protective force field around them. This is more frustrating than rolling on the legal side. Besides, I’ve gotten more handler hugs from Buddy than any other musher in this truck. Now I’m torn. Moral or Immoral; that is the question. We need to call all of our fellow mushers together to form a Musher’s Union on the premise of beating the unbeatable. WE NEED HELP!!
DISCLAIMER: We apologize to the Streeper crew if this causes any lack of sleep or symptoms of paranoia. It is certainly meant with humor and respect. If anything odd does happen, it wasn’t us!