This week I asked myself, “Self, are you certifiably crazy?” I didn’t ponder for even a second. I immediately answered myself OUT LOUD with a firm and resounding, “Yes, I am absolutely nuts!” Since there is nothing I can do about the fact that I’ve lost my marbles and there are no self-help groups for me to vent, instead I shall blog. They say it helps to write things down so I am going to write myself right out of craziness……maybe…….
Bruce and I had an extremely insane week. Trying to run a business and a kennel at opposite ends of the state is not for the faint of heart; it takes grit and a few loose screws. Our kennel had puppies coming out its ears this spring and, of course, there was a glitch when one of the mommas decided she was done feeding her pups at 3 weeks. If there were a doggy social service, they would have paw cuffed her and arrested her for neglect. However, there isn’t so Bruce and I just said, “Bad Mamma!” Then we packed up the little buggers and took them home so we could feed them 3x per day.
The feeding schedule meant the puppies had to come to work and as fate would have it work was swamped. We were in the process of hiring twelve additional staff members across all departments. There were so many interviews going on that we were fighting over private rooms and candidates were stacked up in the lobby like cordwood. It was pure chaos and we needed puppies to liven things up; NOT! Our week began with a 4:30AM wake-up call so we could leave by 5 AM for the hour drive to work. Yes, you read that correctly; one hour drive to work. Just another nutty thing we do; remember we have grit. Hubby was in charge of getting the kids ready for work; all 6 of them. When he turned on the light he was happily greeted by six screaming puppies covered in their own poo! He assessed the situation and realized he had a dilemma. If he didn’t let them out, he risked further coating them in their own gunk as they were now very excited to get out and rolling over one another. However, if he let them out, they would coat everything in their path with brown goo. Realizing he really didn’t have a choice, he unleashed the poo covered critters. The once white and fluffy little pups were barely recognizable as they jumped and tumbled out onto the floor. The brown, gooey demons with feet proceeded to run to and fro pooping and peeing along the way leaving little chocolate footprints all over my kitchen tile. It was a neat freak’s nightmare. My husband; however, was a man prepared for a mess and was armed with 409 and a roll of paper towels. I’ve now dubbed him Pooper Man!!!! He just needs a cape and a tool belt that will hold his cleaner and towels leaving him hands free to handle any poop emergency. Thankfully, at 3 weeks of age, puppies don’t run fast nor do they run far so the situation was under control quickly. By 5AM Bruce had already put in a full day and needed another shower, but we had to head to the office; interviewees were waiting. We loaded the pooches in the truck and headed to work. Since the pups hadn’t been vaccinated yet we didn’t want them outside so our plan was to put them in a nice wood box in my office where they could be monitored easily and they would sleep all day….quietly…….all day………………………sorta
The gals in the office were thrilled to have cute little pups visiting all week. Little did they know the white fur balls had been covered in brown goo not more than 60 minutes ago. “Oh, they smell so sweet!” chimed the ladies. I giggled and thanked the Lord for Pampers butt wipes! For the most part, the first day was a piece of cake despite how we started because the babies pretty much slept all day. When they woke up each of the gals would take a puppy and would rock them to sleep at their desk. We joked about puppy therapy and how fun it was and that we needed baby carriers so we could carry the puppies around all day while we were at our computers. It was a day of bliss and we all loved having puppies to ease the stresses of the day. If this scene was filmed, you would hear soothing music, smell scented candles and there would be complete silence except for puppies cooing.
Day two: Pups sleeping……not so much!
By day two the pups had decided they didn’t need so much sleep. So they would get up every so often. When they woke up they would poo, then they would pee and finally they would wrestle in it! No problem, we hauled out the economy size box of butt wipes and had them baby fresh in no time.
Day three: Pups in box and not happy.
By day three all hell had broken loose. The pups decided they really didn’t like being in their box; they preferred being held. So every time they woke, they screamed for attention. The ear piercing type of screaming that seems to go on forever. Announcement over the phone system. “Monica, there’s a Mr. Smith on line 3.” “This is Monica.” Wahhhhhhh….wahhhhhhhhh….WHAHHHHHHH ……. Whahhhhhhh…. WHAHHHHHHHHH ……. “Noise? Oh that…..we just threw an employee on the stretcher for making a mistake, don’t worry about it. We haven’t lost one yet!! Chuckle, chuckle.” No response on the other end. Announcement over the phone system. “Monica….Mr. ldkhdjksh………” WHAHHHHHHHHHHH.. WHAAAAHHHhhhhh “I’ll just take this call, whoever the heck it is, in another office… a quiet office puleeze.” At first everyone would run to save the puppies when they started bellowing. When they got to my office, however, they would stop dead in their tracks when they saw the goo. My puppy daycare staff had virtually dried up by day four.
On day four when I got in the truck to head to work, Bruce threw a wet towel at me and said, “They are covered in crap! I thought this would help.” Given that I was the passenger there was no argument over this one so I proceeded to wipe down each brown little demon one by one. About midway one of the little buggers gave me a struggle as he was pulled from the back seat and I felt a cold blop of something on my cheek. I instinctively wiped my cheek only to discover I had smeared puppy poo on my face; however, I am tough. I finished the job first and THEN I turned on the lighted mirror in the dark and discovered to my horror I was not only wearing poo blush, but I had poo mousse in my hair as well. No worries, butt wipes to the rescue! When I arrived at the office, I was given a battery operated, scented candle to put in my office; gee can’t imagine why. So the office smells pleasantly like synthetic, vanilla puppy shit as opposed to just plain old organic poo. Yes, this is actually more bearable. As if the poo beauty regimen I had endured on the ride to work wasn’t enough, the little buggers decided they weren’t finished with me. I found myself picking up pups throughout the day just to quiet them and to keep my sanity. During this process one little guy decided to let loose right down the front of my light blue golf shirt. I had what I would describe as an out of body experience. I don’t remember setting the puppy down. I walked through the office in Frankenstein fashion with arms out and a dead expression on my face heading for the bathroom. I remember gazing at the mess in the mirror and began scrubbing. When I was done I had a wet spot the size of a huge paper plate across my chest. I walked out of the bathroom expressionless. A young guy from our Shipping Department was standing in the office and tried with all his power to NOT look at my pie plate. I looked at him and said, “WHAT?!?! Is there a problem?!?!” Then I burst in hysterics; to his relief. We both started laughing and then the rest of the office started cracking up as they caught site of my attire. Thankfully, I had no interviews this day.
Day five: Pups in box. Stench resembles baked poo cookies with vanilla and spice.
I have interviews today and must stay clean. No puppy holding for me. The lobby started to fill with interviewees by 6AM. Boy, were some of them in for a shock. If the smell didn’t tickle their senses, then it was the noise. Imagine sitting in a lobby of an office waiting for an interview and you hear folks in the backroom yelling and laughing ……..”Ohhhhh, he’s pooing!! There’s one, get it!! Oh shit, another one is pooping! Crap these guys sure do poop a lot! Ha ha snort, chuckle!! Oh shit, one just pooped on me! Hurry get it! I’ve got a poo-er….here’s another….POO-ER ALERT…holy crap, shits out of control!” “Mr. Jones? Hi, I’m Monica. Please follow me”. I then start to lead Mr. Jones towards the backroom! I wish I had a camera to capture the look of horror. “Mr. Jones, do you like dogs? What do you think of the idea that the word puppy has been altered over time and was originally intended to be pronounced POO-PEE?? Mr. Jones? Mr. Jonnnnneees???? Crap, has anyone seen where my interview ran off to? Did he leave? Guess he was too pooped for the interview!”