The Mushing Marriage Part 3: Doughnuts Anyone?

Do you Lana take Crazy Jack through thick and thin; so long as you both shall live?

Some of us are born with the “skinny” gene and some of us are NOT!   Those of us that have it the worst are born with the genetic ability to attract fat.   We are essentially “Fat Magnets”.

The picnic table is littered with beer bottles and the remnants of last night’s food fest.  Jack is lying on the couch and Lana is shuffling around cleaning up the mess.  “Man, I could sure go for some of those awesome blueberry pancakes you make!” moans Jack.   “Ohhhh, that does sound killer doesn’t it?   We were supposed to start the diet today though.”   “We can start Monday; we already blew it this weekend.”  This scene is like an old 33 record stuck and it just keeps repeating itself, “We can start Monday.  We can start Monday.  We can start Monday…Monday…Monday…Mon….Mon…Mon…”

“Seriously, Jack we have to make an effort.  We are competing against folks from Planet Tiny.”   Jack groans, “I know, I know.  Frick.  Don’t mushers know how to eat?  Seems like this sport attracts folks that have had their growth stunted.  I wonder if there are scientific studies that prove cold weather stunts the growth of children.  Think about it; folks are really tall in Africa and it’s warm as hell there.   Inuit on the other hand, are small.  I think I’m onto something.  Whatever, I think if I meet another small musher I might just lose it!”

Lana looks at Jack with her hands on her hips, shaking her head and then bursts out laughing.  “You just might lose it, heh?   AND what pray tell would that entail?”

Jack smiles.  Then he puffs up his chest and stalks around the room in his best tough guy gait and says, “Oh shoot, I’m going nose to nose with the little musher.  Hey, shorty!  You wanna compete with me then we are going to get on the same page.  Since I’m not gonna lose weight that means you’re gonna gain some.  At this point, I’ll tackle the little bugger and start shoving doughnuts in his face.   Eat mini-man, EAT!!”

They are both in hysterics and are laughing so hard the tears are flowing.  When the laughter subsides, the reality returns.  Lana says, “Here’s an apple for breakfast.  Now go jogging.”

Jack and Lana are obviously procrastinators when it comes to losing weight and so they are down to the 11th hour before race season starts and the panic has set in.

Lana can hear Jack get up and go to the scale in the morning.  She hears him get on the scale, get off the scale and get back on the scale.  There is a muffled sigh.  He gets on the scale, gets off and then back on.  Finally, she can’t stand it, “You know that stepping on and off the scale is not a form of exercise and it won’t change the numbers no matter how many times you do it, right?”   Jack yells, “Zip it woman!”    “Woman?  For real?  Hey, I’m not the one who forced you to have beer and pasta last night so don’t take it out on me!”  Jack says in a mocking, whiny tone, “I’m not the one blah, blah, blah…beer and pasta….blah, blah, blah.  I’ll have you know I lost a pound, so there!”   Lana laughs, “I don’t want to be un supportive, but you do realize that one pound isn’t jack when you’re running neck and neck with Tiny Tim you know.”  “Maybe not, but it’s a start,” exclaims Jack. 

“Jack, we have to try a different motivator.  I’m obviously no help.  You can’t motivate yourself and together we are trouble.  So how about we make this about the dogs?  I want you to imagine that your dogs can talk.  Here’s the scenario.   We are at the parking lot of the race.  Our dogs start rapping to the dogs of Tiny Tim.  It goes something like this:”

“Yo, what’s happening?  You guys eat your meaties for breakfast this AM?  Hope so cause we’re going to put the burners on today!”   Tiny Tim’s crew responds, “ha ha ha, hope those burners are turbo boosters cause you’ll need it to lug ole Jacky up the mountain!  As a matter of fact, we saved you our meaties so you’d have extra energy to burn!”   Our crew looks at one another and tries to retort, “HA, we’ve been training all season lugging ole Jacky and we’ve got the muscles to prove it.”   The other crew responds, “Yeah, we can see, but this isn’t a wrestling match gang and we’ve never seen body builders win a sprint race!”   To this your crew is speechless.  They turn and walk away muttering to themselves.   “That damn Jack.  He’s had all season to work on this.  He’s running us like dogs and munching on the wagon at the same time, it just ain’t fair.   We should try to dump him and make him run after us a bit more often and take the calorie burning thing into our own hands.”

“So Jack do you get the picture?   How is that for a motivator?”   Jack looks at her and says, “My dear you’ve done nothing but depress me.   So now that I’m depressed I want to eat.   So let’s go get pizza and some beers and we’ll get serious on Monday.”  Lana looks at him in disbelief, “Pizza?”  There is a long pause of silence.   Lana then inquires, “what kind?”  Jack says, “White pizza from Grottos!”   She grabs her coat and heads for the door,

“Screw it!  I’m in!  We’ll start Monday!”


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