I had to laugh the other day at the stark reality of my mushing life. I was at the store and I overheard one lady complaining to another lady that her kids are on their second bout with the flu this season. She had one in bed and another one was up vomiting all night long. As I rudely eaves dropped, I realized that I had unconsciously snorted under my breath at her so called dramatic situation. It became apparent to me that I had done this when their heads whipped around 180 degrees and gave me that look; you know the one. Raised eyebrows, furrowed at the middle, eyes wide open, head cocked and lower jaw hanging; that one!
I smiled at the ladies and then day dreamed my response:
Imagine a gasp and a total look of horror and you’re there with me…..
I continue …. There’s so much runny crap at my place that we pray daily for cold weather so we can chip it up as opposed to sop it up. When it’s warm we can’t clean it up fast enough and they just keep running through it and the stuff is flying everywhere. Just when you think one is over it, a couple days later they are back on the cycle; probably due to the flying funk. I damn near have to don a rubber suit and face mask to protect me from the poo shrapnel. It’s almost a good thing we don’t have snow because it would look like a shit bomb the size of Hiroshima went off in our yard.
The ladies inquire, “they are pooping in the yard?”
I don’t miss a beat, “Oh yeah, they all sleep outside in the yard, thank goodness!”
One minute their vomiting and the next they are great. We’ve changed the manner in which we feed them so many times that I don’t even recall what it was that they originally ate. We’ve called every expert we know and been barraged with a host of medical options. We heard about endless home remedies; feed them yogurt, beet pulp with molasses and sour mash. We’ve had drugs arriving by the box load; Tylan, Albon, Metronidazole and Amprolium. We’ve tried natural products like lacto bacillus strong enough to cure a pig. We’ve given them meat. We’ve tried just kibble. We tried just beef. We’ve added psyllium and taken it out. We thought about not feeding them all together. Ok, that’s not true.
Every day the crew conducts Drollie Patrollie, South African for poop patrol, and then we have a Poop Meeting with the crew to discuss the morning fall out and how it compared to the day before. We have created and discovered new words for describing poo;
We learned that poo can come in a wide array of colors. I was blessed previously with only ever experiencing your basic brown until now. I’ve since discovered that poo can be red, flecked with beige polka dots and, worse yet, fluorescent orange; man that was a very scary day. Imagine, fluorescent orange goo running down their hairy little asses. If it wasn’t so cold, we’d have hosed them down.
Their faces have gone ashen and have that ghostly look ……
We are considering investing in some gas masks until we’re over this. The noxious odor from 85 sick babies is beyond explanation. I can only say that it has brought me to near episodes of vomiting myself. When you lift one up they release the foulest breeze you can imagine. You can barely keep from dropping them on the floor as you grab your throat and stifle the upchuck. When they relieve themselves you can tell a city block away that it is occurring just due to the smell. I’m worried about a visit from the EPA for the black cloud hanging over our place.
Our food bill has skyrocketed despite the fact that they’ve barely had any activity to speak of. We put the food in and they poop it right out. We’ve joked about tying buckets to their asses to help with the cleanup.
Imagine the ladies grab each other’s hand and look at one another……
It’s coming out so fast we have to constantly check their beds for those out of control moments. We just scrape it up and move on. If we changed the bedding every time, it would be insane. They’ve all lost weight and look like we’re not feeding them. Truth is we can’t get enough calories in them to keep up with the output.
One of the ladies bursts out with, “Oh my gosh. I cannot imagine how many diapers you’re going through!” Ohhhhh, I don’t use diapers!!!
“Aren’t they getting rashes on their bums?” Oh, their butts are fine; however, I’ve certainly gone through my fair share zinc oxide or butt paste if you will. We use it on their feet so they don’t have to wear booties.
There is a shifting of the feet and one lady is hopelessly searching as if for an authority figure……
I tell ya ladies, what is really baffling though is that their attitudes are great. They are all still amped up and ready to go. This tricks us into thinking they are fine only to discover after we take them out that they are still not fine. They’ll go out running like mad and then they’re walking at a snail’s pace on their way back. It makes you feel horrible taking them on a 30 mile run. It’s maddening.
We are talking serious looks of panic on their faces and hushed whispers as they consult one another…….
This virus from hell has taken us all to the edge. It’s all we talk about, it’s all we think about and it makes you totally paranoid. I actually thought I was coming down with it the other day. Good news is ladies that I’ll be able to eat like a horse and not gain weight! Bad news is that I’m gonna be walking around with a bucket on my ass!
As they rush away, I hear them in the distance, “OMG Marge, we have to call Child Protective Services immediately!”